The Thoughts

It is unfair,
I always write an entry whenever I feel down.
Honestly, since I got here (HK), I’ve gone through a lot of fun things.
University is intense. Both academically and socially. They have been fun and challenging.
But the thought of having too much fun scares me, gives me a sense of guilt.
Plus things have not been going well for me, academically.
So below, I am going to write a confession… another set of thoughts.. despite all the fun that I’m going through,
recently… the problem appears, again.

I know nothing, I do nothing…

The problem, that one has to go through for 7 years, 7 long years, is arising again. They said it’s getting better, however, as they have found the SOLUTION. The solution to the problem, that will save me and them. Painful solution, but for the best. That’s the excuse, or is it the truth? She’s going on her own way, found her happiness. I think happiness to her means she can live in a ’safe’ and ‘relieving’ condition; no worries, nothing. He’s going on his way too, like he always does. But again, as he always does. He might find something new too, perhaps temporary happiness. But I could see no happiness can overcome the happiness that his children brought to him. It may be the same way for her, but I could see, she needs something more than that. I cannot blame her. She is a woman after all. A woman who needs a sense of comfort and careness. Something that might be lacking before. .  . and us, the followers, what can we do? we know nothing, we can’t do anything. We just have to follow. But the thought of someone new, is too striking. Disgusting. Unpleasing.

HE IS SOMEWHERE THAT NOT ORDINARY PEOPLE ARE AT.
How can he be able to do anything? The fact that he’s there, is saddening. Embarrassing? Ashamed? But he still who he is. He is my hero. Without him, I won’t be here. Disappointment, regretness, everything. Just mixed up.

MY WORDS CAN EXPRESS HOW TERRIBLE THE SITUATION IS, HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO GO THROUGH ALL THESE WHEN YOU ARE TEENAGERS.

[[and here I am, in a new place, without something to hold on to, without guidance.. seeking for a new system of life.. a new circle of people.. a new experience to feel]]

Then here comes, someone, who would be willing “to run if he has to whenever i feel sad”, “to listen to me anytime of the day/night”… i told him, almost everything… what’s going on… since he has sensed something that is wrong with me…  i have never told any guy before… except him, though i have only known him for 3 months… why is that? real connection? looking for sympathy? just a need to be heard for? expecting something more out of my confession? i don’t know. i can’t figure it out… do i regret telling him all these? cause he’d walk further away, not from our friendship, but from our ‘potential relationship’. BUT he was THERE. COMFORTING ME. LISTENED TO ME. TELLING ME THAT I SHOULDNT LIE / PUT OTHERS FEELING FIRST. HE KNOWS. Oh, my mind is so messed up now.

Do I like him? Am I in love with him? Sometimes I know I don’t. Sometimes I feel I do. Do I have to know what I feel? Or do I have to feel what I know? I just want to hear his voice. I just want to be with him. Or is it just dependence? I don’t intend to write this entry about him, but I’m just writing whatever that comes out of my head. Cause I do not want to forget. But why do I always think about him? Always trying to find connection with him? I don’t know what I feel. It’s driving me crazy, it seems. Suddenly, there’s something that blocks my mind from thinking about him, though. Hmm, what is it? Maybe I really don’t like him…. just a friend? arghhh i dont know… like i am really HONEST here. It’s not that i’m writing this, cause I want people to say that “oh yes you do like him if u are like this”.. but im really being honest here.

I don’t know… not in the mood to think about him anymore.

ON the other hand, people here are…. hmm… interesting… argh!

my thought is losing its track ………

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

That familiar sentence says it all.

Once you are being let go and jumped into a hwole new world, you will understand how difficult it is to find people who would just fit with you. Those who can understand you, those who can tolerate you, those who never try to judge and compete with you, those who accept you for who you are, those who love you. They are so hard to find. And when you realize that, you will look back and think hard to remember how did you come to get along with such people. How did they become so precious to you. How did they become irreplacable. Then, it came to you, that those people probably have the mutual feelings, while some dont. But that does not matter at all. What matters is the times that they spent with you just to make you feel that you are being accepted and let you be who you are.

Then it comes the time, I’m writing this, sitting in front of this great invention of humankind, that can connect anyone, anytime, anywhere in real time. As I look straight ahead.. there’s a paper full of photos which I gathered. Took the time and effort to gather these precious photos which reveal precious moments from a person’s journey. They don’t move. They stay still. But just that, it could bring back all sorts of stories; ups and downs, but they became the most precious to me.

There was one whose name is Love and it is the thing that she always gave me as a friend, and the person closest everytime I’m having dreams or nightmares. There was one who I’ve known the longest, who understand me more than I do, the best I’ve had. There was one, who have gone through  a lot with me, when we had to struggle in the most important matter at that time, and she was able to have fun with me too. There was one, who always makes me feel like  I will never get lonely, cause she’s always fun to talk to. There was one, who shared the same hobby as me, and she’s too cute to be our age. But she’s always there, gives me a sense of security. There was one, who can tolerate me to the maximum potential of anyone in this world, and she would still hear me even if she’s thousand of miles apart.

There was another one who I don’t even know what feelin I have towards him. He always shines so brightly. But he never ever makes me feel like I’m unimportant. Never get bored around him. Whenever I see his face, I miss him, but I don’t know how he feels. I realized I will never know. There was another one, who always kindly supports me and had fun with me, his house is always open to anyone. There was another one, who always teases me, and always gives a sens of comfort to be around him. There was another one, whom I have spent a lot of time with and gone through a lot with. But he’s always the coolest and i love him to bits. There were other two, who spend their quality time with me just to play pool and fool around, giving me a sense of need, that I satisfy for them. There was a bunch, who came from the same country as me, who always do nothing but laughing, just to clear our stress away. There were people. People who I love from the bottom of my heart.

I could only held it for a week.. tonight i let it out.. all the pain, all the insecurity, all the “held-back”, all the tears. i know it is probably just a syndrome of a new life, or it could be a continuation. oh i hope not. but the feeling never change, for them.  They taught me the real meaning of frienship and love.

Been a while since I last wrote. Many things have happened.
Starting with…..

GRADUATION

Now, I have GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL. : )
Luckily, I received an award from COUNCIL OF INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL
and I made a graduation speech during the ceremony that brought some people to tears. I am very grateful to be apart of that school, especially of that class.

Every seconds that I spent with them worth it, in spite of the suffering, tears, worries, etc. But the joy, happiness, smiles overwhelm all negative things that we have to go through. It is amazing how people can affect others in such a significant way.

A RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS (NOT) MEANT TO BE?

WHEN EACH ONE BEGAN TO LEAVE

UNIVERSITY (SOON-TO-BE-HOPEFULLY)

It’s been awhile since I last wrote on this blog.
Now I decided to write an entry.. with not such a positive vibe in it.

Those who are loved, are walking away.
Less than 100 days till my high school year is over.
There has been too many things that happened,
But recent ones are not so lovely.

Is it because they wanna treasure every moment?
Am I running away or they are walking away?
Same difference. I feel it.
I’m tired. All I want is to be loved.
Yet, those whom I loved are walking away.
Whats my fault? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..!!

And now.. more n more uncertain things drawing near..
fear… uhhh.. this entry becomes unorganized.. ahh
I don’t know.

This is a story about my adventure… to… a place full of fantasies.

Now it is 3:03PM, sitting on top of my luggage, writing this entry, waiting for boarding. Let’s review…

8:00 AM,
That’s what was written on my phone’s digital clock. A little bit too early, I thought. While taking my time, I prepared clothes, luggage, passport, tickets, heart and thoughts about what I’m about to do in the next few hours.
Why did I strongly force myself to go? Am I being forced by my own temporary temptation or is it really just a feeling of thirst for a break?
Who knows. But still I went.

10:45 AM,
I decided to take a train to the airport. For the first time. Why? Becaue I decided that this trip will be a total new adventure and new experience for me. I’ve gone through so much hesitations, scoldings, tears and other emotions just to get to this point.  

So did I, take the train. Even just by being inside the train, there are so much ideas that can be concluded. Every stop that it passes, brings back a memory. Why is that? God knows. Here and there, people are everywhere. Carrying different burdens, presenting different atmospheres. People from all over the world can be seen inside a train. Isn’t it amazing? Globalization. I understand that this entry contains all aspects of random thoughts. But this is me, this is where I am, having a journey alone. We will see what’s going to happen.

(Meanwhile, gate D40 is about to be open.. 3 minutes time remainig, I shall continue in a few hours. See you in HK)

It’s been a while since the last time I updated this site.
I haven’t even got time to write all the things that I had to write on the previous entry. Sigh.

So many things have been happening.
I’m now in the middle of exam and I know I shouldn’t be writing this, but hey I’m taking a break now.

The things that I wanna focus on is, like it or not, creatures called Men (again).

Since this site hasn’t been updated, a couple of them have come and go. . . and go. . far away. .

~~~~

One that is more memorable.. reachable..

A few days could change everything in one’s life.
From a stranger to a lover, maybe.
First, he was so up high as usual.
He was so unreachable. No expectation was put as the pain from falling was clearly known.
However, the star of destiny brings it together.
Work together, socialize with each other, learn about one another.
The chemistry was felt, the specialization was noticed, but is it possible?
The league was too tight. But why were we attracted?
Why was he attracted?

Unbelievable.
All first moves were done by him, interested much?

Never knew that this was going somewhere.

Until that night, where all the expectation level shoots up into the air.
Though I didn’t know what would happen, never expect for big thing to happen.

But then, it has finally started,
A chapter of temporary happiness, uncertainty, unexpected surprises, who’s to blame that this won’t last?
Or was this meant to be that way?
Who will be responsible for the distance? But that was not whats on our minds.

So he did, the asking.
So we did, the mutual interaction.

I guess I was the lucky one.
To have been able to hook up with the hottest delegate out of +500.
It’s not just the hook up, it’s the personality, the kindness, the understanding, the fun
that mixed the chemistry.

and so those stary eyes were looking.
wanting to be in my spot.
what am i to do? he started..
he held my hands, grabbed my waist, led my to the song..
oh how i miss those times.

Again, we don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone.
Why the distance always seems to be the obstacle?
I wish the meeting was more at the right time, right place, right circumstance.

((Jag saknar dig))

a) the sight of foundation that has given me a chance to see the world..
b) the life under the populars
c) am i dependable? (mo/shin)
d) mario2’s case
e) pocahontas’ friend’s case [gotta calm down myself? who are u to tell me this?]
f) the love of my life, without current visual aid, just memories..
g) lyrics..

got spare time?